Lady Behind The Wheel
by tswheaton
Summary: Captain Jack has a message from the Doctor, for a lady who won't be pleased to hear it.


**Lady behind the Wheel **

**by**

**Travis S Wheaton **

First Draft 15/10/2009  
Second Draft 17/9/10

**EXT. A CARDIFF PUB**

A bustling Cardiff street, alive with people, cars, sights and sounds.

Sitting alone in a window booth of a lovely brick walled Pub, a woman stares at the street outside.

**INT. THE PUB**

The woman takes a sip at a glass of champagne. She turns her nose up, and pushes the glass aside.

A ringing sound erupts from her small black handbag. She pulls out a spiffy mobile phone and answers.

LADY CHRISTINA  
Hello again, Bidder 155. I'm pleased to  
confirm your bid has been successful.

She listens for a moment.

LADY CHRISTINA con't  
No, unacceptable. You will meet me at  
the southern end of Curran Embankment  
in one hour. Come alone, or the deal is off.

She smiles contentedly as she listens to the caller.

**INTERCUT WITH: CONCEALED LOCATION**

Captain Jack Harkness is on his mobile phone. He shakes his head wistfully, and grins.

CAPTAIN JACK  
Ok, one hour. Alone. I get it.

LADY CHRISTINA (V.O)  
And payment is to be in the form  
of unmarked non sequential bills.

CAPTAIN JACK  
I'm not a cashier!

LADY CHRISTINA (V.O)  
No, but I'm sure you'll manage.

In the pub, Christina turns away from the window.

LADY CHRISTINA  
I can always resume negotiations  
with Bidder 79?

CAPTAIN JACK (V.O.)  
No, no. Thy will be done. I'll see  
you in one hour.

LADY CHRISTINA  
Good choice.

She hangs up on the call, and slips the phone back into her purse.

**EXT. THE PUB**

Lady Christina appears in the doorway, a broad smile on her face as she walks down the steps.

She heads off down the street.

Captain Jack crosses the road from where he had been surveying, and watches her leave.

**EXT. BACK STREETS OF CARDIFF DOCKS — ONE HOUR LATER**

Captain Jack walks slowly along the road. His black SUV is parked further down the street.

He doesn't need to read the vague street numbers or building names to know where he is going.

Semi-concealed, Lady Christina is perched on the loading dock of a warehouse overlooking the street, watching Jack approach.

Jack comes to a halt in front of the dock.

CAPTAIN JACK  
I don't see it.

LADY CHRISTINA  
I don't see a suitcase full of money.

Jack pulls a bag out from under his jacket, and flashes it open for her to see. The unmistakable sight of bundles of money greets Christina's eyes.

CAPTAIN JACK  
The rest when I know you're not just  
selling me some Metro surplus.

Christina slips cat-like down from the dock and comes to stand in front of Jack.

LADY CHRISTINA  
Oh, it's the real deal. My client truly  
is an artifact connoisseur.

She takes a step back from Jack and passes a critical eye over his 5 foot eleven inch form.

LADY CHRISTINA con't  
What are you meant to be? Dennis  
the Menace?

Jack grins wickedly at Lady Christina.

CAPTAIN JACK  
Hey, it works for some.

LADY CHRISTINA  
More than a few, I'm guessing.

Motioning his innocence, Jack continues to smile.

Christina produces a black blindfold magician-like out of thin air, and holds it out to Jack.

LADY CHRISTINA con't  
We're going for a drive.

Jack considers her request sceptically, and takes a step backwards.

CAPTAIN JACK  
You never mentioned blindfolds.

LADY CHRISTINA  
Like you've never been blindfolded before.

CAPTAIN JACK  
Well, there was this one time; a lovely  
couple from Kathmandu, 1940. In their  
villa overlooking Everest.

Christina rolls her eyes.

LADY CHRISTINA  
Put the blindfold on.

CAPTAIN JACK con't  
Oh, hey — I'm starting to feel like I'm  
being taken for a ride.

LADY CHRISTINA  
Not scared of poor defenceless me,  
are you? It's not like I was going to  
meet you where the goods are being  
stored. Now put the blindfold on.

CAPTAIN JACK  
You know, you never said anything  
about coming unarmed.

He pulls his jacket to one side, revealing his revolver.

With further magic-like skill, Christina tosses the blindfold to Jack, and then produces a dainty 1-shot pistol, and levels it at him.

LADY CHRISTINA  
Is there a problem?

Jack catches the blindfold and smiles. He checks out her gun.

CAPTAIN JACK  
A Derringer point three five seven lady's  
special. Only get one shot with that.

LADY CHRISTINA  
I only need one.

_MOMENTS LATER_

Lady Christina's car drives off down the road, past Captain Jack's car. At the dock, Captain Jack's revolver lays on the ground amidst its unspent bullets.

**EXT. SIMILAR LOOKING STREET IN DOCK AREA**

Lady Christina is standing in front of a large door, with a smaller door inset. She unlocks a large industrial padlock.

Captain Jack is standing nearby, still wearing his blindfold.

CAPTAIN JACK  
Now?

LADY CHRISTINA  
No.

CAPTAIN JACK  
Not even a peak?

LADY CHRISTINA  
No.

CAPTAIN JACK  
It's just like Christmas all over again.

Lady Christina opens the door with a rusty rattle.

CAPTAIN JACK con't  
Sounds like someone could get hurt if  
they can't see where they're putting  
their feet.

LADY CHRISTINA  
Don't be such a baby. Ok Dennis,  
walk towards my voice.

She steps through the smaller doorway.

**INT. WAREHOUSE**

The warehouse interior is vast yet claustrophobic, with racks of gear stacked high all around.

There is a large shadowy form in the middle of the warehouse.

Standing just inside the doorway, Christina watches Jack as he blindly steps towards her.

When Jack reaches the door, he stumbles over the door jam.

CAPTAIN JACK  
Now there's a health and safety hazard.

LADY CHRISTINA  
Do you always talk this much?

Jack repeats himself with another cheeky grin.

CAPTAIN JACK  
Works for some.

LADY CHRISTINA  
Ok, take it off. The blindfold, that is.

Jack removes the blindfold, and blinks a few times. In front of him he can make out the shadowy form of something large and rectangular.

LADY CHRISTINA  
Ready?

She doesn't leave time for an answer, flicking a switch and lighting up the object with powerful overhead lamps.

A very battered red London Double-decker Bus, with strange hubcaps eerily stands before them.

Jack struggles with the change of illumination for a moment, then takes a few steps alongside the bus, though keeping his distance.

He whistles his appreciation.

LADY CHRISTINA  
I told you; the real thing, as seen in  
the tabloids. My client has seen considerable  
action with this beauty.

CAPTAIN JACK  
Yes, I know. Sighted over the Pyramids,  
buzzing round the Eiffel Tower, even a  
reported sighting in Australia.

Christina smiles a devilish smile at both Jack, and to herself.

LADY CHRISTINA  
It will take you anywhere you want to go.  
(to herself) Except to the stars.

Jack stares meaningfully at Christina.

CAPTAIN JACK  
Usually accompanied by reports of  
mysterious thefts, stolen artefacts…

LADY CHRISTINA  
I'm sure my client had nothing to do  
with any of that. They just found it in  
the middle of Millennium Stadium with  
the key in the ignition.

CAPTAIN JACK  
It's not exactly in good condition. And this reputation…

LADY CHRISTINA  
You knew what you were bidding on.

Jack gives her one of his most charming smiles.

CAPTAIN JACK  
I'm sure it's nothing a good panel beater  
couldn't work out.

He stealthily walks closer to the bus.

CAPTAIN JACK con't  
Speaking of which… How 'bout I just  
take it for a quick spin, let my mechanic  
take a look under the hood.

Christina laughs, and waggles her finger at him.

LADY CHRISTINA  
Uh uh, Mr Menace. You could scarper  
with my client's property before paying  
the full price.

Jack stops edging towards the bus, and takes a step towards Christina instead. She responds nervously.

CAPTAIN JACK  
You're not seriously kidding yourself into  
believing I'm buying your cute little story, right?

LADY CHRISTINA  
I don't know what you mean.

CAPTAIN JACK  
Lady Christina de Souza, on the run since  
Easter Sunday after being arrested for the  
robbery of the Cup of Athelstan. Last seen  
heading skywards in a red double-decker bus.

Christina's eyes narrow as she re-assesses Jack.

LADY CHRISTINA  
Not just Dennis the Menace.

CAPTAIN JACK  
Not just Bidder 115. But, you could call me  
a messenger.

Christina puts her hands on her hips, and adds some attitude to the tilt of her head.

CAPTAIN JACK con't  
The message says, "I'm sorry."

Jack slips a sonic-screwdriver-type wand from his waistband and waves it at the bus.

The bus, and in particular, the hubcaps, glow bright blue.

LADY CHRISTINA  
What are you doing?!

She pulls her gun back out, pointing it decidedly at Jack.

LADY CHRISTINA con't  
Answer me! What was that?!

CAPTAIN JACK  
That was a little present from the Doctor.  
His message finished with, "You've had your  
fun. The ride stops here."

Christina continues to point her gun at Jack, but lowers it slightly.

LADY CHRISTINA  
The Doctor?

Her voice is full of disbelief, and just a little hope.

Jack lowers the device, which has stopped emitting, and slips it into his jacket.

CAPTAIN JACK  
He has a way of taking all the fun out of  
life; even if he does tend to save the world  
now and then.

Christina stares now beyond Jack, clearly remembering something.

LADY CHRISTINA  
The Doctor?

Captain Jack takes a step towards Christina as he points at the bus.

CAPTAIN JACK  
It's just an ordinary bus again now,  
with some pimped out wheels.

Lady Christina comes out of her reverie.

LADY CHRISTINA  
(laughs)  
It hasn't moved for three month.  
Not vertically. Ran out of juice; or whatever  
you aliens call it.

CAPTAIN JACK  
I'm not alien.

She slowly starts walking in an arc around Jack.

LADY CHRISTINA  
You operated that alien device like an  
expert; you associate with a known alien.

CAPTAIN JACK  
Ok, so I wasn't born on the Earth, but  
I am not an alien.

Jack continues facing in the same direction as Christina prowls around him.

LADY CHRISTINA  
Dennis the Alien Menace.

CAPTAIN JACK  
I'm not alien. You should check your own  
heritage. Lady Christina de Souza. Mother,  
Ingrid, born on Torchwood Estate. Ever heard  
of the lupine wavelength haemovariforms?

LADY CHRISTINA  
So, is he here? Now?

CAPTAIN JACK  
The Doctor? Who knows. Probably not.  
He has a pretty full dance card.

LADY CHRISTINA  
I thought he travelled alone?

At last and with dramatic effect Jack spins on his heel to face Christina, his jacket flaring out.

CAPTAIN JACK  
You know, I'll probably regret this, but —

LADY CHRISTINA  
No thanks.

CAPTAIN JACK  
What?

LADY CHRISTINA  
No thanks.

CAPTAIN JACK  
You don't even know —

LADY CHRISTINA  
Yes, I do.

CAPTAIN JACK  
And —

LADY CHRISTINA  
I thought I was going to see the stars,  
again. I thought he would take me off in  
his — blue box — and let me explore the  
universe with him. And instead, I got a bus  
that isn't even air-tight.

Jack takes a step closer to Christina.

CAPTAIN JACK  
He does that. Leaves you stranded  
while he wanders around the whole of  
Time and Space.

LADY CHRISTINA  
He left you here?

CAPTAIN JACK  
Keeps me here. It's as if he wants to know  
exactly where I am.

LADY CHRISTINA  
Now he seems to know all about me, too.

CAPTAIN JACK  
Well, my offer —

LADY CHRISTINA  
No, thank-you.

CAPTAIN JACK  
Then, what does the future hold for  
Lady de Souza.

Lady Christina draws herself up tall and proud.

LADY CHRISTINA  
I have a job.

CAPTAIN JACK  
Bank, or jewellery store?

LADY CHRISTINA  
I am the new assistant to Professor  
Jackson, the world's most prominent  
scientist in the field of rhondium  
particle research.

CAPTAIN JACK  
(quizzically)  
Rhondium particles?

LADY CHRISTINA  
Rhondium particles.

CAPTAIN JACK  
What are you doing to do — fleece him of his PhD?

A devilish grin passes over Christina's face.

LADY CHRISTINA  
Of course not. I am the perfect assistant,  
fetching him cups of tea, laughing at his  
jokes, mopping his brow.

Jack's face turns to one of wry confusion.

LADY CHRISTINA con't  
I didn't do it, you know? Those burglaries  
in Paris, and Cairo. I was tracking wormholes,  
using rhondium particles.

Jack gives her a half believing smile.

CAPTAIN JACK  
You know, that offer is real. I could use  
someone like —

Christina tut-tuts him before he can finish.

LADY CHRISTINA  
Desperation is not a good look on you.

She pauses for a moment with a furrowed brow.

LADY CHRISTINA con't  
Are you some kind of bootcamp for him?

Christina looks up to the ceiling.

Jack feigns insult, then smirks.

CAPTAIN JACK  
More like a recovery program.

LADY CHRISTINA  
Who is he, honestly?

Jack shakes his head wistfully, then folds his arms over his chest.

CAPTAIN JACK  
What did he tell you?

LADY CHRISTINA  
Ooh, everything he's ever told you.  
So let's reminisce.

She smiles charmingly.

CAPTAIN JACK  
(laughs)  
Yeah right.

He relaxes his pose.

CAPTAIN JACK con't  
He's the Champion of the Universe…  
Whether the Universe wants him or not.

LADY CHRISTINA  
How very prosaic. So, he's an alien,  
but you're not. You're his lackey, but  
not his bootcamp. And he flies about the  
Universe in a blue box, that he refused to  
take me aboard.

CAPTAIN JACK  
And at Christmas he flies around the  
world delivering presents to all the  
good little boys and girls.

LADY CHRISTINA  
What is your name — your real name.

Puffing himself up, Jack grins at her.

CAPTAIN JACK  
I'm Captain Jack Harkness.

Christina raises her eyebrows.

LADY CHRISTINA  
I suppose that works for some, too?

CAPTAIN JACK  
Definitely!

Christina walks up to Jack seductively, then pushes him around and towards the door.

LADY CHRISTINA  
Out!

She turfs him out of the door.

**EXT. SIMILAR LOOKING STREET IN DOCK AREA**

Jack stands looking up and down the street outside the warehouse, getting his bearings.

He steps abruptly to one side as convertible car pulls up next to him — Lady Christina behind the wheel.

She smiles enchantingly at Jack.

LADY CHRISTINA  
Well Bidder 155, the bus is all yours.

She laughs, and starts to accelerate away.

CAPTAIN JACK  
What about the keys?

The car stops, and Christina turns her head towards Jack.

LADY CHRISTINA  
It's a bus. Busses don't use keys.

She revs the engine and tears off down the street, leaving Jack stranded.

Jack pulls his car's homing beacon out of his pants, studies its' signal, and heads off on foot.


End file.
